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Miggybyte 9
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Miggybyte 9.adf
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MB_45.TXT
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MB_45.TXT
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1996-10-06
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5KB
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122 lines
IF CHRIST HAD BEEN CRUCIFIED BY THE...
French:
They'd have talked all big and mighty before the fact, started to drive
one nail, and surrendered.
Scottish:
Jesus wouldn't have been crucified. They'd have strapped wool to him and
run him through a clan making a "baa" sound.
-"If ye can survive that, yer the Messiah alright.
A bit sore, but ne'ertheless..."
South Koreans:
They'd have called in a larger world power to do it for them.
United States of America:
There'd have been an at least five year debate over it, Christgate
hearings, countless forums and talk shows, Congressional hearings, at
least four thousands American troops sent in, and afterwards, a lot of
movie deals done about the "poor soldiers" who fought so valiantly, all
done by Oliver Stone.
United Nations:
See United States of America.
England:
After the crucifixion, tabloids would say it was because Jesus had sex
with Princess Di. Half the male population of England begins to get
nervous.
Japan:
They'd have done it more efficiently, and told the Romans they were lazy
pigs.
Sesame Street:
The Count would have counted each nail, and Cookie Monster would have
sang, "C is for Crucifixion, That's Good Enough for Me."
Hanna Barbera:
It still would have been badly animated, but with a crappy seventies
soundtrack playing in the back and a Roman soldier seeming to hit the
same nail over and over.
Mafia:
Jesus would have never gotten up the second time. They'd have put cement
shoes on him and sent him to "sleep with Jonah and the big fish."
DIFFERENT TELLINGS OF THE CRUCIFIXION:
Conspiracy Theory:
While riding on a PR trip through Jerusalem, Jesus was shot by Judas
Iscariot, wielding a nail gun and from the third floor of the Jerusalem
Book Depository. Some say he acted alone, but others swear they saw
another disciple on the grassy gnoll.
With a Psychic's Hotline Spin:
"Just think- if Jesus had talked to us, we could have warned him about
the betrayal of Judas, and given him his lucky lottery numbers. Call us-
your life may depend upon it."
The Dungeons & Dragons(tm) Telling:
He critically failed his public speaking roll, and failed his saving
throws versus angry Italians and versus Nails.
The Talk Show:
"Tonight, we've got Jews Who've Been Nailed to Trees and Resurrected, but
*still* Don't Know How to Love Their Women Right!"
Freudian View:
The penetration of three nails is a desperate cry to let loose his
sexuality. The nail in each arm represents his great desire to dominate
a partner but being confined by his duties as Messiah, and the nail
holding back his feet represent his secrecy about his foot fetish (see
also the washing of the feet at the last supper). With his cry, "Father,
why hast thou forsaken me?", Jesus is commenting on how he wished Joseph
had been more endearing and open with his fatherly love. The
resurrection is a folic symbol.
Richard Simmonds:
"C'mon all you fatties. Do you feel out of shape, spiritaully and
physically? Then order my new tape, `Crucifying to the Oldies.' And
don't forget volume 2, `Resurrecting to the Oldies,' with my favorite
exercise, the Stone Roll."
KIDS' CORNER
In recent years, there have been many MANY attempts to make the Bible
more appealing to children, including Holyland Action Figures, a Moses
and Noah Nintendo game, Hana Barbera animated series, and even a very
VERY horrible card game like Magic the Gathering (which, by the way, has
come under much attack from Christians). But in our opinion, they're
doing it all wrong. Here's what we'd do....
Jesus stood from where he'd been praying in the garden all
night. Judas Iscariot, one of his trusted disciples ran to him
and kissed him on the cheek, but something seemed wrong.
"Judas," the Messiah asked, "do you betray me with a kiss?" As
if on cue, Roman soldiers filled the garden, armed and ready to
take Jesus down. Suddenly, eleven men jumped from the hedges.
"All right," Christ called. "It's Morphin' Time!" All twelve men
leaped to the sky, and land wearing multi-colored suits and
holding plastic swords. Peter Ranger raised his hand valiantly.
"Now you're in for it, buddy! No one messes with the Messiah
Morphin' Power Rangers and lives to tell about it." Up in the
skies, Rita looked down and laughed. "Oh, so Jesus wants to
play, eh?" She turned to her hoard of monsters. "Quick, send out
my newest creation." The Messiah Rangers looked up. "What is
that thing?" Matthew Ranger asked. "I don't know, but I doubt we
can beat it," Thomas Ranger said. "It's - it's Nietzche!" Jesus
Ranger cried. "And he's armed with the Spear of Logic." He
thought for a second as the one chord guitar played in the
background. "This calls for drastic measures. I summon the power
of the Messiah Sword"....
You can guess the rest.
END
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